My Take and it Aint Pretty

As you all can imagine, and some you have experienced personally, dealing with childhood cancer is every bit the trauma it appears. This post will im sure reveal some of my unbelievable anger and undeniable feelings of helplessness that this event has incurred. I tell news to patients bluntly and directly, and this post will probably compare
Nothing can prepare a parent for childhood cancer. We think of ourselves, our wives or older relatives, at risk, not 6 year olds. I have told countless patients over the last 15 years of many diagnosis', some good some terrible. The terrible ones have never gotten easier to reveal despite the multiple times i have gone through this "exercise."
During Allison's first mri at PSL, I did an idiotic thing and walked back in the middle of the exam and saw the tumor on the computer screen. I froze, knowing my family's life, and most importantly Allisons life was forever changed. I didnt know what to say to Dianna as I walked back in the mri room. So i lied at first and said the images werent ready yet. After a few more minutes, i knelt down and told her. It really sucks to be a doctor and dad and tell your terrific loving wife your first born has a tumor.
I knew nothing about pediatric tumors and frankly assumed they were incurable, as in many adults. Numb to the point of incoherence would accurately describe my mental state over the next 24 hours.
Fortunately, i subsequently learned that kid tumors are much different than adults. I wont bore you with the details but i read voraciously, when my wife wasnt looking, about pediatric tumors. Their cure rate is dramatically better than adults.

I mentioned previously that i was also worried about a complication from surgery, posterior fossa syndrome. This occurs in approximately 1 in 5 surgeries of this type. Kids are "mute" and some go on to permanent complications with speech and fine motor skills. Speech fortunately always returns between 2-4 weeks but again some have permanent issues.
My next freak out was Sat. afternoon, about 15 hours after surgery.I knew something was wrong as Allison wasnt speaking and had trouble moving her right arm and hand. Once again being a doctor sucked. We are trained to quickly recognize the bad things and my previous reading had forewarned me of this possibility. She has since been diagnosed with this complication. I absolutely, categorically, however, refuse to allow Allison to suffer lifelong issues with this complication. Getting a 3 per one hundred thousand tumor is bad enough, then followed with this one in five complication! I plan to will this one away with all of your karma helping.
Ok i feel better.
I have also learned in the last six days about hospitals and the people they employ. Doctors are a part of the engine but they need talented and caring people around them. I wont forget the mri tech here who remembered allisons stuffed animal name "Bunny" at the second MRI, or the anesthesiologist who gave Allison 4 whole dollars from the tooth fairy because she had to pull one of her loose teeth. Perhaps the most remarkable was a mexican family, working class and ungodly nice, who have an 8 year old with the same tumor as allison. They clearly dont have a lot of money but bought a stuffed animal and balloon for allison. I can honestly say that was the most remarkable, most genuine thing I have ever personally experienced.
In the next few weeks, Di and I will be making some difficult choices about treatment options for Allison. I dont know where we will end up but i do know i truly, deeply, and profoundly appreciate everyones thoughts and hopes for Allison Ann Winn.
Im off to look for the first star of the night.... i bet you can guess what i will be wishing for.........