Allison Winn: November 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Why?

Friends and Family,

Who can answer the question of why cancer happens? Does it have to do with where we live, what we eat, feed our children, and the kind of shampoo we use? Who knows? Who can even begin to unravel the mysteries of why this particular tumor chose a particular person and changed our lives forever? I can't even begin to speculate. Perhaps someday we will know why, but for now it is too hard to think about. I wonder if some of you have your own theories. Someone told me that they heard Stapleton has a higher rate of cancer because of the hazardous waste and other chemicals left over from the airport. Yet I have not heard this anywhere in the neighborhood and we are surrounded by a great deal of people who looked into the question and decided to build homes here. I do not want to talk about it or think about it. How can that be true?

I can say that the tumor changed us forever--made our day to day lives richer and fuller, because we have learned to appreciate all of our blessings and have the strength of family, community, and money to get us through this. Many other families do not have this wellspring of support. But it doesn't make it any easier. When I wake up in the middle of the night I think about the way Allison used to be. Her thick brown hair. Her eyelashes. Her corny jokes and goofiness. She is a shell of this person. There is a kernel of her there, but she is so tired and weak from all of the treatments that it is hard to see her go through this. We have the ability to exercise, burn off energy, and vent, but she does not. I can't share her pain or her feelings, just try to anticipate what will make her feel better. Retail therapy is our main weapon against all of the procedures, pokes, and other painful things she has to endure.

So we worry. Her weight is low, but the people at Children's tell us to keep on as we are for now, and that they are watching her closely. Her spirits are low, but she does like to be at school when she can and her teacher is a godsend.

More questions: What kind of long term impact will this have to her? Will she be able to tackle life the way she did before? Why does chemo have to kill everything? Why???