Things I know

Early morning thoughts that have been swirling around in my head:

• I was telling someone I don't know very well about my stint as a mother so far. When I was younger, and even when Brian and I were married for a couple of years, I didn't consider myself an ideal person to become a mother. Both times I got pregnant, I was surprised, and found I had to rearrange everything--my life, work, and relationships--to allow these people to come into our lives. I've always been a little curious and even envious by people who knew they wanted to be parents and planned their lives to make a family. But this person said, when I told him about what was happening, that I was meant to be a mother. It got me to thinking about whether we choose children or they choose us. Emily has said this to me many times: "Mommy, you were the mommy I was looking for." When I look into her honest and open blue eyes as she says it, I know it is true. I can just picture baby spirits shopping for mothers in Mothers-r-Us and finding the one that suited them best.
• I think my faith in G-d is much stronger now, but not because I believe that He has chosen this fate for my family to have to endure Allison's sickness and the possible loss of my beautiful child. The way I see it, G-d doesn't want humans to suffer, and would never wish to see a child, or anyone, go through pain, loss, or other tragedy. But His presence makes me stronger and I feel better knowing that perhaps He has looked into my soul and wants me to keep going.
• I believe in positive thinking, but not because it can change outcomes. It keeps you going when things are really terrible. We constantly try to see the best side of things, because it is in our nature. It is our coping and defense against the things the world throws at us.
• I believe in community. We all have an important place in the world, and our connections to one another make life worthwhile. Communities keep individuals afloat, and use the strength of a group to help those in need. I know that I couldn't be who I am today without my connections and relationships and I am very thankful to be surrounded by so many people who can help us. I hope to repay the favor someday.
• I also believe in the power of a wish, which is why I think the Make a Wish Foundation is a remarkable thing. As a family, we have the ability to give our children so many things, but some families are unable to do this. This foundation makes it possible for any kid with a life-threatening illness to get their wish granted, right out of the fairy tales if they desire. This alone keeps them going, just to know that magic really can happen, and you can get what you want even while you have to go through a hell that no one should ever have to experience.

OK, that's all for now. Just wanted to get those thoughts out into the world and see what comes back.

Dianna