Friends and Family,
Who can answer the question of why cancer happens? Does it have to do with where we live, what we eat, feed our children, and the kind of shampoo we use? Who knows? Who can even begin to unravel the mysteries of why this particular tumor chose a particular person and changed our lives forever? I can't even begin to speculate. Perhaps someday we will know why, but for now it is too hard to think about. I wonder if some of you have your own theories. Someone told me that they heard Stapleton has a higher rate of cancer because of the hazardous waste and other chemicals left over from the airport. Yet I have not heard this anywhere in the neighborhood and we are surrounded by a great deal of people who looked into the question and decided to build homes here. I do not want to talk about it or think about it. How can that be true?
I can say that the tumor changed us forever--made our day to day lives richer and fuller, because we have learned to appreciate all of our blessings and have the strength of family, community, and money to get us through this. Many other families do not have this wellspring of support. But it doesn't make it any easier. When I wake up in the middle of the night I think about the way Allison used to be. Her thick brown hair. Her eyelashes. Her corny jokes and goofiness. She is a shell of this person. There is a kernel of her there, but she is so tired and weak from all of the treatments that it is hard to see her go through this. We have the ability to exercise, burn off energy, and vent, but she does not. I can't share her pain or her feelings, just try to anticipate what will make her feel better. Retail therapy is our main weapon against all of the procedures, pokes, and other painful things she has to endure.
So we worry. Her weight is low, but the people at Children's tell us to keep on as we are for now, and that they are watching her closely. Her spirits are low, but she does like to be at school when she can and her teacher is a godsend.
More questions: What kind of long term impact will this have to her? Will she be able to tackle life the way she did before? Why does chemo have to kill everything? Why???
Coco-Pipi Litvak-Winn!
Adopted by us on Thursday September 25th
Fun times at Sky High Hope
Allison paints Steve Withrow's hair pink and his beard green!
Hospital Blowdown pictures
Allison and Nick and other friends before the pinata bashing
Daddy covered in shaving cream
how silly!
Us, November 2007
These photos were taken by an amazing foundation, Flashes of Hope, which takes portraits of families during treatment as a keepsake or remembrance of the experience of treatment.
5 comments:
Dianna,
I think your "Why?" question speaks to how heartbreaking it is for you and Brian and all of the people who love Allison to see her go through this tremendously difficult treatment. Why should that ever happen to her or anyone? Of course, I don't have that answer. So I just want you to know I share the question with you. I also want you to know that I still see Allison - that "kernel" of her that you're talking about. Like when she jokes with me about my being old or laughs and talks about how goofy Zoe is acting. But I also hear what you're saying - that it's hard not to have her feeling all the way better and back to how she was before all of this started.
Thinking of you on a Thursday morning,
Mary
Hi Dianna,
I imagine that people offer theories about why cancer occurs because they want to be helpful. However, I find those theories not helpful; they can make us blame ourselves or feel like we're complicit out of ignorance. And of course you would do anything to protect your children from harm; we all would.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I love the photos of Allison and Emily! Thank you for continuing to post.
Love, Nona
I simply can't imagine your struggle though I have had cancer twice. Allison may not notice that she is all that less corny; it's where the kernel lies. With the nurturing all of you provide, that kernel will find its way into the sunlight when all the bad poking, prodding, heinous drug cocktails, & radiation are over. To push this analogy further, letting fields lie fallow so certain crops grow even better. She is tired like a fallow field; with rest she will be able to grow strong.
patient of Brian's
Why? That is such a loaded question...one that any parent or loved one would ask. Your precious daughter is stronger than you think; she has both her parents to thank for that. I pray for her every night when my head hits the pillow as I do for so many others I care and love. Christmas is a time for hope and peace; peace will come again to your family and before you know, Allison will be flittering around like a butterfly once again!
Brian's patient
Why? I respond to my court-referred students (whose painful experiences cannot compare to that of Allison and her whole family) who ask this question: "Life ain't fair." I assure them that we are justified in questioning, that we do not have to like the troubles that befall us, but we do have to figure out how to creatively live with it. In fact, I cite Allison's case (anonymously) to illustrate my point (and put their own complaints in perspective). I tell them about the way you folks have responded with both grief and creativity. In short, we are each responsible for making meaning, and I salute the way Allison and her family have done and continue to do this.
Judith Streit
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